Share's Monologue

I am sip this coffee and bread with angry, since because no one is love me this recently. There is no journalist person which is come to ask me any something at all, even not Nandutuuuu. Even the news paper in the press don’t write story over me whether for bad or for worse. Even peoples of Uganda they will forgotten me, both my face and my figure. Share, I have seen. Can you imagine? I have many more imagines.

Can you imagine for first and foremost, that when those boy were fight for my child of Desire, not one journalist even think it is mine? Now that Juma Psycho and simanyi who MP are everywhere, as if I am died and bury!! All the silly journalist persons din’t never come to say even “hello Share, can you father a baby?” They think that all the childrens that I have, they come from trees? I am cumbersome, I make baby, whether Desire, whether Awori, whether Nervous! Not Awori the other once upon a time talkative political, then Museveni push big job in mouth and he shut up, then he remove it away and he even shut up more; not that one, the police which hunt for people that eat gay may run on my behind!! I am mean the Awori woman that was sexy, she was once upon a time becoming miss Uganda with many girls of pageant.

I can father a baby, whether Desire, whether Nervous!!

Another imagine! These rebel MP that they want my best friend Museveni to be put in carbons to measure his years since ever he was born from the womb. They want to know if his ages are countable! They want to know if he has still age mates living. How can you put the president in carbon? The carbon they use to measure years of those history animals of dinaso, zinjaslopes and skulls of dead people, they want it to also use it on my best friend? Don’t they have calculator? Don’t they have math or accountants? Do they aware that when Uganda was not yet get independent the calendar was not yet made for Uganda? How did they want parent of president to see the month of the date of born from the womb? They should left the man a lone to run and even sprint like Bolt Hussein for president until death do us part between himself and Uganda.

Another imagine! That president was fire Colonel General Tumwine! Eh, will not the president end by fire himself also? He has fire and fire and fire eberyone, all the childrens he go to the bush to hunt Obote with! Now why can’t he fire also this Mutale Mirundi, the boy that speak words like they come from another hole instead of mouth?! The other day he say that journalist people call a good word ‘Kurikye’!! even although the other Nandutu boy of blank point of NTV tell him mbu the word is ; ‘cliché’, that Mirundi boy keep insist that it is ‘kurikye’!! Me if I am the Museven, I light fire as soon as there and then and fire her, that Mirundi!! And this fire-fire day and morning is good for me. All those job are vacants for me, I can  application again and get a job from president, job of where I am not have to go to Mafabi to ask in the committee. As in fact I am want to be body chairman of UNEB, this one of which the funny when  boy Fragile Monday resign it. People oba grew from where!! How can you resign fwaaa a big job when nga your friends like me are died of idle and boredom? If I am get that job of UNEB, no child will ever never fail again. You get a pen, write 90% on paper, finished!!!

I gonna sell Uganda to China, and take all Uganda people across to America

I have become a thinker, even my head is dancing round making many O’s now. Oba it is this coffee it has beer inside? I am see one things in two. I must be too much thinking, am I like a philosopher. That is the price I pay for becoming a patriotic. I care. I can sell the whole Uganda and take every people to America to live America dream. I see every people fight to go in America. We shall sell this Uganda to China. If I am MP of parliament I will propose the proposal to cabinet. My head is dancing around again more…….

Share's Letter to State House

To the Excellent

Statehouse Nakasero or Entebbe

Kampala or Entebbe

Dear His Excellent,

RE: JOB OFFER

How are you doing, how is Uganda? How is your wife or minister of Karamoja? How is the children? Thank you much for becoming good parent because the girls have become woman even they marry men. Even the boy have become a man, in marriage and even a commando. I am remember he was gone to a commando school there in America. I was also in America where I learn swimming, stapling, binding, and prison management.

His excellent, I am wander why you have not become Field Marshal. If me was you I be even beyond Field Marshal. If the boy of born yesterday have become Major Colonel, Brigades, etc, why about you which was born those days of David Livingstone and Henry Motion Stanley, and have been fight war ever since time and memorial? You have fight every war, world war, French revolution, Ngoni migration, Majimaji rebellion, Nyangire rebellion, you know that one of Kigezi in Bakiga!! Mbu Bakiga were also rebel tihihihi! Your excellent, I am sorry for laugh-laughing, but this one of Bakiga war eh!!

Your excellent, I am very sorry for people that are disturb you and make your big head pain with nights of unsleep! These one of Mbabazi who want to grab your animal that you slaughter and hunted alone! Why can’t he gone and hunt his own self an animal? Now mbu that young youths are doing division of themself and they bite each one another like grasshopper in the bottle because they are versus Mbabazi and you. By the way, do you eat grasshopper? They are very sweet, you can even eat it with wings and legs, nga its eyes are look at you open like this!!

Your excellent, you are full of vision, that why you saw that boy Anite and she love you too. Instead of putting your photocopy in 2016, just draw on the poster the photocopys of Anite and Musisi for campaign, you can even add mine, and we see who Mbabazi will draw on his poster. Sejusa? Machar? Who? You beat him hands and legs down. He is jumping the line backwards. He Mbabazi want to spoil East Africa unity, because it be for people with name with K. You see for e.g.  Yoweri Kaguta of Uganda, Silver Kill of Sudan, Huuru Kinyata of Kenya, David Kagame of Rwanda, Moses Kabira of Zaire, everywhere is K. Him Mbabazi should have come long ago during the M series; the ones of Mbabazi of Uganda, Mubutu of Zaire, Moi of Kenya, Mwinyi of Tanzania, Muammar of Libya, Mubarak of Egypt, Majambere of Rwanda, Mugabe of Zambia, but not Mandela of Africa. Mandela is holy president.

Also sorry for Lukwago, he make for you many noises there at Nakasero, you even shifted to another house in state estate of Entebbe to run from his noises. Him and these people of walk at work nga they are even jobless!! Then the followings of Lukwago also noised when you almost chasen him from the chair of land lord of Kampala versus Musisi. Now that you have remind him of the bikufulu and bijjegele that he wear and he swell that he sing ‘mayor lord … mayor lord’, and that you have throw them in water, he will gonna silent with anger or  hunger.

Mr excellent, I write this short letter to application for a job, any job, even although this latest vacant will do. The one of dead MP. I have now caught you red handed, so don’t start ngu “there is no vacant wala wala, I am not yet refashle cabinet,wala wala!" No. Me those ones I won’t allow! This vacant is very there. He dead, and I was at burial place, we burry him, I left when after we have put cement on the grave yard. So don’t lie me, and don’t send me to ask that park of Mafabi mbu asking “wamma Mafabi, should president give Share a job?” This one is there, and is sure deal. Me I love deal. Me I won’t stress you like these ones of Nsereko, Sekikubo, and this other one who look like he be drunk forever, etc. Me I will be there near Oulanya, nga I am kye! They bring book, I signature. They bring Motion, I put hand even leg up to say big yes.

But if another person has already apply it, leave them alone, and give it to me. But if not, I can also be Kyabazinga or even mufti. The other time I was wanna apply for being headmaster of Makerere university or Kyambogo, but no sooner was I buy a pen to write the application and then those people passed my behind and put those other people of Mugonyera and Ddumba and Katunguka. I was also want to application for Kabaka job but I still love my life and breathing. You know talking on Kabaka is like putting stick in a saucepan of these tough ants with painful teeth, the nsanafu. Remember other time when you refuse him to enter Kayunga, or when the graves of the dead body of Kabaka were burning on Kasubi, those Baganda put block roads and they see a old boy of long nose and they say ‘Tambula ng’oMuganda’ and he start to walk bounce-bouncing like boy with demon in pocket! What they did to him!!! You were not there!!! So, these people of Kabaka don’t jokes.

Your excellent, thank you for job offer. You have vision.

Your friend in need,

Share.

Share’s conversation with Lukwago

Share: How are you my Land Lord Mayor? Thank you for come to meet me since you are busy mayor.

Lukwago: I am incredibly fine, though that is a vexatious salutation, full of innuendo.  Anyway, what about you, Share; how is your in prope persona self?

Share: Eh, is that a greeting of you to me? If yes, I am physically combine, chemically fit, mathematical balanced, and biologically calculation.

Lukwago: Your response is indicia of an obnoxious old man.

Share: (nfudde nze). Have I say something wrong or right?

Lukwago: For as long as you are not in flagrante delicto, neither I nor your irk may construe your submission as sheer recalcitrance.

Share: (mama nze). Are we speak English or tongues?

Lukwago: Is something intrinsically wrong with you or it’s an ab extra case of actus reus that is in consumption of you, Mr. Share?

Share: Ssebo Lukwago, mbala mu ku magezi!! Don’t make my head make circles and rounds. I interview you a question, you answer the answers in smooth English or Luganda.

My Friend Share, you can actually suggestio falsi in sub silentio. And trust me, my proposal in in utmost uberrima fides. What do you think?

Lukwago: Well, in absentia of a prima facie case of linguistic quandary, then my extant English will stand.

Share: Whether your English stand or sit or squat, me I want to understand your sayings. So, Ssebo Lukwago, how is your relation with Janet Musisi going on now now?

Lukwago:  I have contended Ab initio till now that the people spoke through a vote and gave me a mandate, therefore, my presence at City Hall is ad infinitum till the people speak again. So, any tampering with my office makes Kampala city a bona vacantia.

Share: Shhhh Lukwago! We are Muslims. You are speak catholic words.

Lukwago: My friend, the linguistic issue here is cadit quaestio and is not contra bonos mores. Let it not arise again unless you have become the custos morum. Are you?

Share: I am very well, thank you.

Lukwago: I asked ‘are you’ not ‘How are you’!

Share: I have say I am fine. And I am ask question, you answer the answer. Don’t ask me.

Lukwago: I apologize for that corpus delicti.

Share: You said corpse? Is Musisi dead? Praise Go…I mean.. Allah Akbar. When did death take her…

Lukwago: Hey..hey…Share,  calm down. You have become a hostis humani generis!!! I can’t fathom this!! I was being nice and apologetic for my erstwhile misdemeanor!

Share: Miss who? Msscchew! Ok, back to interview you; when you are win the case there in court against Uganda and Tumwebaze, you will share the money of compensate with DP, your party, alright?

Lukwago: My friend, If Museveni, the supposedly parens patriae, can’t attempt that, who am i? I have emphasized time and again that the faciendum is absolute. So, that would accrue out of ex gratia.

Share: Is it yes or no? Are you give us money or no?

Lukwago: Do you mind if we discuss it in extensor, in camera?

Share: If good, yes, if bad, no.

Lukwago: You know Mr. Share, I hold you in loco parentis, but I am encumbered by your persistent mens rea to give it ample execution.

Share: (Ono mulalu!!! Very mud) Aa-hh, Mr. Mayor, you should go for short call, or I go.  

Lukwago: Sir, my corpus is in what we call sui generis. I am fine, like a fiddle.

 Share: (Wano wafiila muloge!). Ok, I am go for short call. But if it become long call, don’t worry, go away we will interview other day.

Share's Letter to Margaret Nantongo Zziwa, speaker of E.A Legislative Assembly

Fight like a wounded chicken, you can gonna kick their asses if they have!

Dear Maga,

How is the speaking at the East Africa assembly? Are you also talkative on big issues like our speaker here, Jeniffer Kadaga? I remember that assemblys every Monday morning at our school before I stop school in P.4. Teacher gave us kiboko for uncomb hair, uncomb nails, unbathing, feet with fingers who look like head of snakes, and the kiboko make you feel like your buttocks were on smoke and fire. I look at you in my head standing on assembly and undressing MPs  there on the line, each one straight on the behind of each other and you are like headmaster! You have really strength of a woman like this song bird Shaggy sing it. 

Owaye Maga, I am hearing gossip that they were almost  chased you left right center from your chair of speaker for East Africa assembly of MP. Naye you; you remember that other song of 'Nantongo, Nantongo teli akusinga'? The one of  'wankulila amaaso, wankulila akabina'? The one of Peter Ssematimba? So, if you are know it, why are you not tell those of Kenya MP, that Muthuki Peter man, that you even have a hit in Uganda about you, and it is international, its song bird  lives in Sweden? Make that hit be national anthem of that parliament. Mbu they wanted to census you? Because why? Is it because you try to be member of MP for Kampala times two and you fallen on the behind of your head both two times? Those people don't get shame!!

They are want to chase-chase you like criminal thief mscchwwew!!

 So, after those of Kenya they have fail to steal our lake of Migingo, now they want to steal your speaker chair? Do they aware that you can stand for president there? Do they aware that here we export presidents? We export Kagame to Rwanda, we export Garang to Khartoum, we export Kabila father and son to Zaire, Tinyefuza to Congo soon, Ssejusa to Bwindi soon, we even want to export Aggrey Awori to Kenya, and Mbidde to Burundi, Tamale Mirundi to Zimbabwe, for example. We have exports. We export soldiers, guards and thiefs to the Africa and eastern middle. We even export prostates, you know the womans who sell their body on measuring spoon to restless men.

So, you Maguret Zziwa, I am almost happy that you chased the parliament before it chase you. That is like the hunting dog become the hunted dog. That why we exported you to Tanzania. Be in class, stick to power. Isn't there a constitution there? Get it and comend it? Use money to commend it. You were not working stones all your life. Do it.  Don’t shame us. Dont shame Uganda. Don’t shame Kabaka. If Museveni pay 5 million to entire Uganda MP to commend the constitution and give him many terms, why not you? Isn't he your model? Cant you break a small vision from him, take it and use it in Tanganyika on Kenyans? You have forget the proverb from your land mbu ‘Where money beats gonzas’? Beat them money and they will gonda, and they will leave you alone. Don’t stress us here home, we have already many stress of Lukwago crying, enough to travel us till vision 40/40.

My sister, if you don’t have clever, let me give you ko on mine. Visionary president of ours say sell what you have, get what you want. Can’t you sell something you have to those stubborn men of Kenya that want to sense you? Teach that Peter Muthoki a lesson using your stamina. Or avenge him. Call him mafia. Blacklist him and Dora. Say they are the terrorist who bomb that Nakummat bank of Kenya. Say they are the thief that stole the HM370 helicopter of Malaysia. America will come and take them to prison, and you remain alone in parliament. You and Mbidde. You bring motion, Mbidde second it or even third it, it win by the majority of you two. You can motion that Lake Victoria is all for Uganda and its fish, the water is for Kenya, the water fythinth, you know that stubborn plants of the lake, you say they are for Tanzania, finish!!

Whatever you do, do it from there quickly. Don’t come cry-crying tears like a crocodile or Lukwago, that they have chase you from the chair. Hide the chair. Write your name on it. Draw your diagram on it. Steal it. Do something, like Ugandan eish! Don’t tired us, twakowa! I tell people before that a Uganda person is a green grass in the snake. 

A Uganda person is a green grass in the snake!!

You can see your  MP colleague fellows from Uganda, how they have back bite you. See how that MP girl colleague of yours, Dolly Byamukama, has run away with Kenyan MP, Muthuki, to overthrow your chair! That is why she is not a good Muganda. This Chameleon song bird singed that ‘The Yuda’s we pass with them around-round’, and you can see he was true. Start walking alone, and don’t even trust yourself. Human people are danger. I have warn you. They say ‘A told one doesn’t die all’. That is your new motto. See you.

Your friend in need, 

Share.

Share's Advice to Aga Khan's Smart Telecom

Dear Agakan,

I am very joyful that you have come to start a telecom mast in Uganda also. I love you because you love trading and making business. You are a joke of all trades, and you make me get very aspired. Telephone business is a very boom here, so, welcome to save us from Chinese phone. You know they bring phone that use every charger, then after charge it immediate tell you mbu ‘please connect that charger quickly’ then the phone shut up soon immediately. There phone also have torch, radio, tv, scanner, printer, mirror, camera video, textbook, facebook, antenna all working at same time. Even when it ringtones children wake up and neighbors dance the kidongo! I am joyful that you are bringing 74 phones and people will talk for 74 minutes for one minute call.

Sir Agakan, You know I have done-done business in Uganda year come year go, and I have a long cv. Please carry my advise with you and you will have success chasing all over you in town. These advises are free and fair, no charging at all.

1.       Phone of five simcard: You shall bring phone of five simcard to Uganda incase your telecom mast company is to by truth be called smart. You see, a Uganda person has four simcard phone from china now now. They have put mtn, mango, utl, Airtel, Celtel, Warid, Zain, Hits, and now they shall need smart line also. Even although Warid and Airtel are making love together, Ugandas still have both two simcard, and they gonna want them when the divorce of those lovebird happen. So, bring phone of five simcard, and you will work money. For the other telecom organizations that compete you, dog will eat coffee.

2.       Fall in love and marry. Uganda is a country of love. That is why we have very many valentine days and couples. For e.g. Kate Middle and King William, Baby Cool and Barbie Kirema, Kabagabo and Olala, Moze Filimu and Radio, for example. So, if your truth is smart telephone company, please, please, find another telecom organization and fall in love, then marry it. You can marry Hits telephone company, and you will over compete these ones of airtel, mtn and celtel, in case airtel and warid refuse to divorce. Be careful to get a female company because the bills of gay and homosex are already at police. You see Mango and utl? How they look like appearing gay? No one knew the relationship until even now not yet. They are very suspicion with their activity, and very secret also.

3.       China is very serious with smart phone, so your smart telephone company shall must make a phone that have more things to do more than a China. For e.g make phone with fridge, photocopy, shoeshiner , making up kits for the female peoples, mathematics set, etc.

4.       Do promotion of English. My dear, bring promotion that is known in English language. All the other telephone company do their promote in funny hard vocals they look like the other headings of films for Ebonies. They say kyabisse, kyaaka, beelamu, kiro nnyo, kyakabi, name it but a few. People of Uganda are tired. You can’t ask government top help us, it just look at you like dog in hospital looking on its sick friend. Make yours like Be there, Night more, It is bad, it is burning, name it but a few. When I grow up I want to also do telephone trade, and I will sample those also.

I am sure you that you Agakan will make money in this boom. Don’t pay consultation, but I can become your pattern. All those working people you give work in your trades in school, university, clinic, even newspaper of monitors and radio, they must use Smart telephone, and their family, and their relative, and their friend, or not you chase them/suck them. That is market research already to start on. You man, you have clever, I wander who grew you and where she grew you from. I wish you lucky, happiness, profits and benefits and booming business.

Your friend in need,

Share.

Share's Letter to Kadaga

Hi my sister Mrs. Kadaga,

I call you my sister because we share many commons. Forget the religion things of your Christian and I become muslim. You know this professor of Mahmood Mamdan of there Makerere? He travel all world and even earth and written a book namely Good Muslim, Bad Muslim, and from page one to page end he searched in his book and he did not find one bad Muslim. Not even a Taliban. 

My sister, very sorry for your MPs that are eat like cartoon and drink like fishes. Also sorry for the MPs that they are play cartoon, cards, dulu and other sports on the pads you were buying for them. They are just excitement adding to village-ism. You know a wise man say mbu you can take a village out of a man but you cant take a village out totally and completely. I am sorry.  I fell your calamity. You wait for them playing dodge ball with those pads, or even this sport of hiding and seek at parliament. I wishing they were all flying on that helicopter of Malaysia which disappear in heaven and they stay there. Us who are cumbersome with capables can stand in their shoes for parliament.

You Kadaga are also good Christian, that is why you hate these thing of man loving a man, woman loving a woman in the bed. Not even a chicken can love a fellow chicken unless a cock, even a cow and a cow unless a bull. It is simple logistic. Now, everywhere you move, people are singing ‘Jennifer Kadaga, Jennifer Kadaga’! Do you know that you have start to look like God created you in a  president material? Do you aware that you even resemble this president of Libya, Sharif Johnstone? She is the first female woman to be made president of Africa. She beat men to pieces, includes the football man Gorge Wears, Samuel Etoo, Drogba, name it. You are number two president of Africa after that Johnstone. But Shhhh! Don’t say I am the one who sent you to be the president. You know things in this Uganda.

My sister, don’t fear and get afraid. Even if people call you fenimist or womanist, say yes I am a female metal. It is a metal that cuts mahogany, you knew it. Even if they call your relative a homosapien, that is their words. People's hobby is wolokoso most. It is not just propaganda, because even other tribes do it. Keep speaking and speaking, that is why you are the speaker of this government. Be talkative, go on. People will fight wars to pull you down, keep pulling them up from up there, like a chicken looking at an hawk.  

I also wish you a congratulation for chasing the rebellion in parliament. Those rebels are not in patriotism. They should be in class. It is good to stop insurgent when it is still young. Museven said that in proverbs they say Akati keinikwa nga kakyaali kabitsi. You bend a stick if it is having green leaves, stem and roots. Now even the Uganda rebels there in jungles of forests like Kony, Itongwa and Machar they will fear, they will tremble like stones, and they will run out with their breath, and they will get out of life. Like the wise military man of Uganda say, they will dig themself six feet under even before the military soldiers dig them. If government sells Mabira completely, these rebels will never get where to hide. They can’t hide in sugarcane, it is short, their head will be seen, and Uganda snipers will remove their cylinder heads. Even that Mavdan of sugar company will cut cut them with sugarcane and make sugar.

Bye for now, I must wait for the ballot box with your photogram and the only name I tick is Jenniffer Kadaga. Even if I am also standing to be ticked, I will choose your head. Also I am hope that any MP that you catch thinking adding salary to the MP salary you do expulsion, that is contempt of Uganda. It is defilement of citizens. That’s is Judas Iscariot my Christian neighbor called me one day. Of course I am good neighbor. I love you much for what have you done sacrificially to Uganda. God loves you.

Yours faithfully,

Share.

Share interviews Seya

Share: I welcome you to this interval, and I know you also                          welcome me.

Seya: Me too.

Share: So, Seya, what are you been up to since ever you almost transform to ministry of government? You have went lost after the park of Mafabi..

Seya: I have been up to Entebbe, Nairobi, and other outside countries. But I was only not up, I were down also with a bad flu, but it was ok. I am business man, those things of political jobs is a dirty game.

Share: But words passing each other said that you want to be mayor time and again. You ever still have desire for mayor?

Seya: if you like this interval to keep continuing, don’t talk on Desire here. That girl she is innocent, and very modest woman. Vey cumbersome.

 Share: ok, answer from there at ‘you want to be mayor time and            again’.

Seya: Ok. Those words and you are tying on me your goat’s ears for dogs to chase me. That mayor job has been mine, it ever be mine, I lend it to Sebaana, and I belong to it. That boy Lukwago has mismanaged herself, even I will take away my D.P party from him.

Share: So, it doesn’t become propaganda about your running for             the mayor job?

Seya: You man, what have you become? You are so tribalistic, I don’t enter Buganda debate. And even I ever never run, I stand there and fight like a wounded hyena even a male cock.

Share: So, when you eat the vote and be ‘his lord mayor’, you and Janet Musisi will be workmates properly? You know Janet Musisi the chairman of KCC.

Seya: That is wrong title. He is called Rebecca Musisi not Janet            Musisi.

Share: Ok, yes Rebecca.

Seya: I am  Seya, not Rebbecca.

Share: I am mean Musisi, not you. The Janet Musisi.

Seya: You are doormat. He is Rebecca Musisi not Janet Musisi.                 You need spects.

Share: You think am I  mad?

Seya: I don’t have idea. I am not in your head to look at madness in          there.

Share: You have abuse me again? That is reason you cant minister.          You have no mind.

Seya: Did you come to intervene me or abuse me?

Share: You are unintervenable.

Seya: You peoples are coward. Go to intervene other people like                you. Good night.

Share: That’s shamefulness. It is morning.