Share’s conversation with Lukwago

Share: How are you my Land Lord Mayor? Thank you for come to meet me since you are busy mayor.

Lukwago: I am incredibly fine, though that is a vexatious salutation, full of innuendo.  Anyway, what about you, Share; how is your in prope persona self?

Share: Eh, is that a greeting of you to me? If yes, I am physically combine, chemically fit, mathematical balanced, and biologically calculation.

Lukwago: Your response is indicia of an obnoxious old man.

Share: (nfudde nze). Have I say something wrong or right?

Lukwago: For as long as you are not in flagrante delicto, neither I nor your irk may construe your submission as sheer recalcitrance.

Share: (mama nze). Are we speak English or tongues?

Lukwago: Is something intrinsically wrong with you or it’s an ab extra case of actus reus that is in consumption of you, Mr. Share?

Share: Ssebo Lukwago, mbala mu ku magezi!! Don’t make my head make circles and rounds. I interview you a question, you answer the answers in smooth English or Luganda.

My Friend Share, you can actually suggestio falsi in sub silentio. And trust me, my proposal in in utmost uberrima fides. What do you think?

Lukwago: Well, in absentia of a prima facie case of linguistic quandary, then my extant English will stand.

Share: Whether your English stand or sit or squat, me I want to understand your sayings. So, Ssebo Lukwago, how is your relation with Janet Musisi going on now now?

Lukwago:  I have contended Ab initio till now that the people spoke through a vote and gave me a mandate, therefore, my presence at City Hall is ad infinitum till the people speak again. So, any tampering with my office makes Kampala city a bona vacantia.

Share: Shhhh Lukwago! We are Muslims. You are speak catholic words.

Lukwago: My friend, the linguistic issue here is cadit quaestio and is not contra bonos mores. Let it not arise again unless you have become the custos morum. Are you?

Share: I am very well, thank you.

Lukwago: I asked ‘are you’ not ‘How are you’!

Share: I have say I am fine. And I am ask question, you answer the answer. Don’t ask me.

Lukwago: I apologize for that corpus delicti.

Share: You said corpse? Is Musisi dead? Praise Go…I mean.. Allah Akbar. When did death take her…

Lukwago: Hey..hey…Share,  calm down. You have become a hostis humani generis!!! I can’t fathom this!! I was being nice and apologetic for my erstwhile misdemeanor!

Share: Miss who? Msscchew! Ok, back to interview you; when you are win the case there in court against Uganda and Tumwebaze, you will share the money of compensate with DP, your party, alright?

Lukwago: My friend, If Museveni, the supposedly parens patriae, can’t attempt that, who am i? I have emphasized time and again that the faciendum is absolute. So, that would accrue out of ex gratia.

Share: Is it yes or no? Are you give us money or no?

Lukwago: Do you mind if we discuss it in extensor, in camera?

Share: If good, yes, if bad, no.

Lukwago: You know Mr. Share, I hold you in loco parentis, but I am encumbered by your persistent mens rea to give it ample execution.

Share: (Ono mulalu!!! Very mud) Aa-hh, Mr. Mayor, you should go for short call, or I go.  

Lukwago: Sir, my corpus is in what we call sui generis. I am fine, like a fiddle.

 Share: (Wano wafiila muloge!). Ok, I am go for short call. But if it become long call, don’t worry, go away we will interview other day.

Share's Letter to Margaret Nantongo Zziwa, speaker of E.A Legislative Assembly

Fight like a wounded chicken, you can gonna kick their asses if they have!

Dear Maga,

How is the speaking at the East Africa assembly? Are you also talkative on big issues like our speaker here, Jeniffer Kadaga? I remember that assemblys every Monday morning at our school before I stop school in P.4. Teacher gave us kiboko for uncomb hair, uncomb nails, unbathing, feet with fingers who look like head of snakes, and the kiboko make you feel like your buttocks were on smoke and fire. I look at you in my head standing on assembly and undressing MPs  there on the line, each one straight on the behind of each other and you are like headmaster! You have really strength of a woman like this song bird Shaggy sing it. 

Owaye Maga, I am hearing gossip that they were almost  chased you left right center from your chair of speaker for East Africa assembly of MP. Naye you; you remember that other song of 'Nantongo, Nantongo teli akusinga'? The one of  'wankulila amaaso, wankulila akabina'? The one of Peter Ssematimba? So, if you are know it, why are you not tell those of Kenya MP, that Muthuki Peter man, that you even have a hit in Uganda about you, and it is international, its song bird  lives in Sweden? Make that hit be national anthem of that parliament. Mbu they wanted to census you? Because why? Is it because you try to be member of MP for Kampala times two and you fallen on the behind of your head both two times? Those people don't get shame!!

They are want to chase-chase you like criminal thief mscchwwew!!

 So, after those of Kenya they have fail to steal our lake of Migingo, now they want to steal your speaker chair? Do they aware that you can stand for president there? Do they aware that here we export presidents? We export Kagame to Rwanda, we export Garang to Khartoum, we export Kabila father and son to Zaire, Tinyefuza to Congo soon, Ssejusa to Bwindi soon, we even want to export Aggrey Awori to Kenya, and Mbidde to Burundi, Tamale Mirundi to Zimbabwe, for example. We have exports. We export soldiers, guards and thiefs to the Africa and eastern middle. We even export prostates, you know the womans who sell their body on measuring spoon to restless men.

So, you Maguret Zziwa, I am almost happy that you chased the parliament before it chase you. That is like the hunting dog become the hunted dog. That why we exported you to Tanzania. Be in class, stick to power. Isn't there a constitution there? Get it and comend it? Use money to commend it. You were not working stones all your life. Do it.  Don’t shame us. Dont shame Uganda. Don’t shame Kabaka. If Museveni pay 5 million to entire Uganda MP to commend the constitution and give him many terms, why not you? Isn't he your model? Cant you break a small vision from him, take it and use it in Tanganyika on Kenyans? You have forget the proverb from your land mbu ‘Where money beats gonzas’? Beat them money and they will gonda, and they will leave you alone. Don’t stress us here home, we have already many stress of Lukwago crying, enough to travel us till vision 40/40.

My sister, if you don’t have clever, let me give you ko on mine. Visionary president of ours say sell what you have, get what you want. Can’t you sell something you have to those stubborn men of Kenya that want to sense you? Teach that Peter Muthoki a lesson using your stamina. Or avenge him. Call him mafia. Blacklist him and Dora. Say they are the terrorist who bomb that Nakummat bank of Kenya. Say they are the thief that stole the HM370 helicopter of Malaysia. America will come and take them to prison, and you remain alone in parliament. You and Mbidde. You bring motion, Mbidde second it or even third it, it win by the majority of you two. You can motion that Lake Victoria is all for Uganda and its fish, the water is for Kenya, the water fythinth, you know that stubborn plants of the lake, you say they are for Tanzania, finish!!

Whatever you do, do it from there quickly. Don’t come cry-crying tears like a crocodile or Lukwago, that they have chase you from the chair. Hide the chair. Write your name on it. Draw your diagram on it. Steal it. Do something, like Ugandan eish! Don’t tired us, twakowa! I tell people before that a Uganda person is a green grass in the snake. 

A Uganda person is a green grass in the snake!!

You can see your  MP colleague fellows from Uganda, how they have back bite you. See how that MP girl colleague of yours, Dolly Byamukama, has run away with Kenyan MP, Muthuki, to overthrow your chair! That is why she is not a good Muganda. This Chameleon song bird singed that ‘The Yuda’s we pass with them around-round’, and you can see he was true. Start walking alone, and don’t even trust yourself. Human people are danger. I have warn you. They say ‘A told one doesn’t die all’. That is your new motto. See you.

Your friend in need, 

Share.

Share's Advice to Aga Khan's Smart Telecom

Dear Agakan,

I am very joyful that you have come to start a telecom mast in Uganda also. I love you because you love trading and making business. You are a joke of all trades, and you make me get very aspired. Telephone business is a very boom here, so, welcome to save us from Chinese phone. You know they bring phone that use every charger, then after charge it immediate tell you mbu ‘please connect that charger quickly’ then the phone shut up soon immediately. There phone also have torch, radio, tv, scanner, printer, mirror, camera video, textbook, facebook, antenna all working at same time. Even when it ringtones children wake up and neighbors dance the kidongo! I am joyful that you are bringing 74 phones and people will talk for 74 minutes for one minute call.

Sir Agakan, You know I have done-done business in Uganda year come year go, and I have a long cv. Please carry my advise with you and you will have success chasing all over you in town. These advises are free and fair, no charging at all.

1.       Phone of five simcard: You shall bring phone of five simcard to Uganda incase your telecom mast company is to by truth be called smart. You see, a Uganda person has four simcard phone from china now now. They have put mtn, mango, utl, Airtel, Celtel, Warid, Zain, Hits, and now they shall need smart line also. Even although Warid and Airtel are making love together, Ugandas still have both two simcard, and they gonna want them when the divorce of those lovebird happen. So, bring phone of five simcard, and you will work money. For the other telecom organizations that compete you, dog will eat coffee.

2.       Fall in love and marry. Uganda is a country of love. That is why we have very many valentine days and couples. For e.g. Kate Middle and King William, Baby Cool and Barbie Kirema, Kabagabo and Olala, Moze Filimu and Radio, for example. So, if your truth is smart telephone company, please, please, find another telecom organization and fall in love, then marry it. You can marry Hits telephone company, and you will over compete these ones of airtel, mtn and celtel, in case airtel and warid refuse to divorce. Be careful to get a female company because the bills of gay and homosex are already at police. You see Mango and utl? How they look like appearing gay? No one knew the relationship until even now not yet. They are very suspicion with their activity, and very secret also.

3.       China is very serious with smart phone, so your smart telephone company shall must make a phone that have more things to do more than a China. For e.g make phone with fridge, photocopy, shoeshiner , making up kits for the female peoples, mathematics set, etc.

4.       Do promotion of English. My dear, bring promotion that is known in English language. All the other telephone company do their promote in funny hard vocals they look like the other headings of films for Ebonies. They say kyabisse, kyaaka, beelamu, kiro nnyo, kyakabi, name it but a few. People of Uganda are tired. You can’t ask government top help us, it just look at you like dog in hospital looking on its sick friend. Make yours like Be there, Night more, It is bad, it is burning, name it but a few. When I grow up I want to also do telephone trade, and I will sample those also.

I am sure you that you Agakan will make money in this boom. Don’t pay consultation, but I can become your pattern. All those working people you give work in your trades in school, university, clinic, even newspaper of monitors and radio, they must use Smart telephone, and their family, and their relative, and their friend, or not you chase them/suck them. That is market research already to start on. You man, you have clever, I wander who grew you and where she grew you from. I wish you lucky, happiness, profits and benefits and booming business.

Your friend in need,

Share.

Share's Letter to Kadaga

Hi my sister Mrs. Kadaga,

I call you my sister because we share many commons. Forget the religion things of your Christian and I become muslim. You know this professor of Mahmood Mamdan of there Makerere? He travel all world and even earth and written a book namely Good Muslim, Bad Muslim, and from page one to page end he searched in his book and he did not find one bad Muslim. Not even a Taliban. 

My sister, very sorry for your MPs that are eat like cartoon and drink like fishes. Also sorry for the MPs that they are play cartoon, cards, dulu and other sports on the pads you were buying for them. They are just excitement adding to village-ism. You know a wise man say mbu you can take a village out of a man but you cant take a village out totally and completely. I am sorry.  I fell your calamity. You wait for them playing dodge ball with those pads, or even this sport of hiding and seek at parliament. I wishing they were all flying on that helicopter of Malaysia which disappear in heaven and they stay there. Us who are cumbersome with capables can stand in their shoes for parliament.

You Kadaga are also good Christian, that is why you hate these thing of man loving a man, woman loving a woman in the bed. Not even a chicken can love a fellow chicken unless a cock, even a cow and a cow unless a bull. It is simple logistic. Now, everywhere you move, people are singing ‘Jennifer Kadaga, Jennifer Kadaga’! Do you know that you have start to look like God created you in a  president material? Do you aware that you even resemble this president of Libya, Sharif Johnstone? She is the first female woman to be made president of Africa. She beat men to pieces, includes the football man Gorge Wears, Samuel Etoo, Drogba, name it. You are number two president of Africa after that Johnstone. But Shhhh! Don’t say I am the one who sent you to be the president. You know things in this Uganda.

My sister, don’t fear and get afraid. Even if people call you fenimist or womanist, say yes I am a female metal. It is a metal that cuts mahogany, you knew it. Even if they call your relative a homosapien, that is their words. People's hobby is wolokoso most. It is not just propaganda, because even other tribes do it. Keep speaking and speaking, that is why you are the speaker of this government. Be talkative, go on. People will fight wars to pull you down, keep pulling them up from up there, like a chicken looking at an hawk.  

I also wish you a congratulation for chasing the rebellion in parliament. Those rebels are not in patriotism. They should be in class. It is good to stop insurgent when it is still young. Museven said that in proverbs they say Akati keinikwa nga kakyaali kabitsi. You bend a stick if it is having green leaves, stem and roots. Now even the Uganda rebels there in jungles of forests like Kony, Itongwa and Machar they will fear, they will tremble like stones, and they will run out with their breath, and they will get out of life. Like the wise military man of Uganda say, they will dig themself six feet under even before the military soldiers dig them. If government sells Mabira completely, these rebels will never get where to hide. They can’t hide in sugarcane, it is short, their head will be seen, and Uganda snipers will remove their cylinder heads. Even that Mavdan of sugar company will cut cut them with sugarcane and make sugar.

Bye for now, I must wait for the ballot box with your photogram and the only name I tick is Jenniffer Kadaga. Even if I am also standing to be ticked, I will choose your head. Also I am hope that any MP that you catch thinking adding salary to the MP salary you do expulsion, that is contempt of Uganda. It is defilement of citizens. That’s is Judas Iscariot my Christian neighbor called me one day. Of course I am good neighbor. I love you much for what have you done sacrificially to Uganda. God loves you.

Yours faithfully,

Share.